I’ve been around the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous for quite a few years. I’ve put some time together on several occasions, years in fact. And more than just abstinence, I’ve been involved. Home group, commitments, H&I, sponsorship, step work, the whole nine. I’ve also made the conscious decision to use, even with all of the evidence that I’ve gathered over the years, that in my experience, success and using are two ideas that cannot coexist.
When I got clean again in May of 2021, I was talking with my sponsor and he helped put things into perspective for me. He said that given my journey, the path that I had taken, the in and the out, the ups and the downs, it was rather clear that I had never fully surrendered. It clicked for me in that moment.
Surrender, admitting complete defeat, was actually an act of freedom. I heard a woman share in a meeting once that surrender meant- to join the winning side. I heard her voice that night many years ago, I heard the words she said, but now I felt them. I heard the voice of my first sponsor, telling me that my recovery needed to come first, above all else, and that a grateful addict would never use. I had to ask myself that question, was I truly grateful ? Over the years, on occasion I would take being clean for granted. And then when I once again found myself in the grips of active addiction, the only thing I wanted was to be clean again. And here I was, clean yet again, standing on the precipice, about to embark on the next leg of my journey in recovery. I heard another voice. It was the voice inside. It said- just stay clean and everything will be okay.
So I went about the business of staying clean. I took from my past experience, keeping things simple, doing the things that worked and not doing the things that didn’t. Instituting a daily regimen of prayer and meditation, taking a moment here and there throughout the day to catch my breath and center myself. I put my recovery first, above all else. I made meetings, took a commitment at my home group, joined H&I when I had 90 days. I called my sponsor. I followed his suggestions. He guided me in this process, making time for me when I finished writing on a step. We would get together for a few hours and go over it. It was a bonding experience.
I just celebrated 18 months back in November. I have a beautiful relationship with my son. We spend so much of our time together, visiting my parents, my sisters. So much love. But I know, without question, that my life wasn’t spared just so I could live this beautiful life. I am clean today so I can help the next guy. NA is a 12 step fellowship and for that, I am grateful.
-Bill E